I’m contemplating two different concepts this morning, so let me see if I can communicate them together in a way that makes sense.

First, God sees all the things I see but from a much bigger perspective: fuller, wholistic, and not entirely Katie-focused. Life and circumstances are complicated. Living in a different culture than I grew up in has me daily noticing things that do not make sense. Like a father willingly trying to give his child to an orphanage because he wants her to go to school, not batting an eye to discuss this in front of her. A logical choice, apparently.

How many times has someone tried to explain something to me with “well, in Haiti, it’s different.”? Voodoo influences, centuries of mistreatment from international forces, unwritten folklore and codes of conduct, expectations of family, expectations of foreigners, and even implied etiquette in traffic baffle the mind of this outsider.

But it’s also led me to question what is familiar and unquestioned in my own life and culture. Because I also accept a lot of things that don’t actually make sense with a dismissive, “well, in America…”. “In my family.” “In my world.” Fill in your own bias.

Comfort. That is the second concept on my mind and one of the things I miss most from home. Not that there aren’t comfortable things and moments in Haiti. But I miss the comfort of easy access shopping at Target. I miss the comfort of being an anonymous customer, wandering a mall or sitting in a movie theater. I miss temperature-controlled spaces and paved roads and over-sized chairs and drive through coffee chains and salon appointments.

American culture values comfort. I notice our obsession with it when I visit home now. And not only for ourselves, but for others. We want to make sure those around us are comfortable. We avoid uncomfortable conversations, we make sure guests have enough to eat and a comfortable seat and are never bored for a moment. If we have an uncomfortable experience while traveling or at an event or restaurant, be sure, someone will be getting our direct feedback!

I’ve been reading David Platt’s book Radical, and he cautions the American church against redefining Christianity to fit our American ideals. On page 13, he writes, “We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with.” Comfort isn’t bad, but making sure our journey of faith is comfortable, that is a dangerous slippery slope!

Haiti is uncomfortable. It’s hot. Everyday. Everything takes a long time. You will have to wait. To get anywhere, people pile on motorcycles and into trucks without seatbelts, tripling or quadrupling the maximum passenger capacity. Daily food isn’t an assumption for many. Clean water and electricity are luxuries. WiFi and a cell phone with minutes are too.

Granted people want and pursue comfort in Haiti, but in my observation, it isn’t the top priority. The Haitian people instead display patience and fortitude in a way that is questionably un-American.

And as I sat waiting for a church event last week, one of our elder’s granddaughters came and sat with me, begging to play with the camera on my phone. Since the event, in typical Haitian fashion, was delayed by almost an hour, we had nothing but time and a wooden bench to spend it on. I gladly complied.

Later, as I scrolled through and deleted hundreds of her carefully selected shots, including about 25 of my feet and 100 of the usher standing near the end of our row, I was struck by how different the church looked in her photos. Her perspective, from the same bench but a little lower, is so different from mine, that the building itself looks bigger.

And I was reminded that God’s perspective, thankfully, is different from mine. He wants to hear my perspective, but He also knows how limited it is, how much there is that I can’t see yet. So even when nothing around me makes sense, I trust His promises, I trust His guidance, I trust His perspective far above my own.

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Days around here are sometimes hectic, sometimes quiet, but never two alike. Always peppered with the unexpected; there is no way to expect the sorts of things that come up.

I’ve gotten used to somethings that once felt like a big deal. Things like walking down rocky paths past pigs, goats, and roosters to get to church. Things like greeting each person you see, whether or not you know them. Things like not understanding most of what people say around and to you. These things feel like home now.

Something I didn’t expect was how quickly, freely and deeply I could love so many people. It seems, logically, that the more people you love, the less love you have for each one. But I’ve broken off bits of my heart all over Titanyen and Cite Soleil, and my heart is not less complete. It’s expanded. This is how I know it is God’s love within me and not my own mustering of feeling.

Earlier today, a woman I am friends with placed my hand on her pregnant belly. Her story is hard and sad and beautiful and confusing, full of faith and questionable choices. She already cares for five children on her own and she is HIV positive. So when I heard she was expecting another child, excitement for her want my first response.

But as I sat in the chair next to her with my hand on her belly, at first there was no movement at all and then a very definite kick! And I nearly immediately thought, “Great, now there’s another person I care about!”

So even if my heart is growing like the Grinch’s, my resources are still limited. I don’t have the capacity to give enough time and attention to each one that I love here. I feel torn with a lot of the pieces of my heart here in Haiti and a lot still in the states.

So announcement time for anyone who’s read this far… I have decided to stay on another year working with the eldercare program here with Healing Haiti. However, I’ve decided I also need more time for my stateside friends and family, so in 2020, I will be living in Haiti about 2/3 time, visiting the states more frequently and for longer stretches.

I’m so grateful to everyone who supports me in prayer as each day presents its list of “things Katie doesn’t know how to respond to”. 😂 Because I really don’t know what to do so many times! But God is faithful and his love has no bounds.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” Romans 12:9-13