I climb up and down the rocky hillside by my apartment at least once most days. Neither my balance nor my endurance are top notch. I walk slow and stare at my feet a lot. But I don’t fall.

Today as I approached the gate, security stopped me to tell me a woman was waiting outside with her baby, wanting to surrender her to the orphanage. That isn’t how our orphanage operates in general, and I’m not involved with those decisions so I told him who to talk to and kept going on my way.

I couldn’t help myself though, a few steps past her, I turned to get a better look at the sweet baby and her older sister there with the woman. And that is when I felt the rocks shift under me.

The woman, the daughter, and the security guard all gasped as I almost fell, but I recovered in an awkward dance move and a laugh.

I stared at my feet the rest of the way down the hill. 

I feel so often here in Haiti and in life in general that the things around me are too much. I can’t look that pain and desperation in the eyes again. But I can and I do. God gives me grace for it. But it requires me to stop and really take it in. Otherwise, the rocks shift and gravity takes me.

Some days I have to keep moving, and that takes almost a callousness to my surroundings. It requires staring at my feet to stay upright.

Other days I have to stop and look around and take in the chaos. I think Haiti has a way of forcing moments like this.

Both are difficult and both are necessary, the moving forward and the stillness. And I can’t let either distract me from keeping my spiritual gaze on Jesus.

Sometimes I look too much at the situations around me or the rocks shifting under my feet and am reminded of Peter looking at the waves. Anything and everything can overwhelm me, even when I’m in the middle of a step of faith.

Haiti is experiencing another increase in gang violence and other insecurities that are scary, unnerving, frustrating, and it feels like a season of “just keep stepping where you see solid ground”.

And if I successfully climb the next hill or if I land on my butt in front of a waiting audience… I will keep readjusting my gaze and fixing my eyes on Jesus.