I’ve been doing a study on the disciple John, which has suddenly made the timeline of Christ’s last days and death and resurrection and other last days on earth spring to life in vivid new ways for me. Because as I connect with John as a multi-faceted human being, I am able to see the story from his perspective just a little. And that glimpse adds a level of humanity and emotion to the Easter story that brings me comfort right now.

Before you get impressed with me, I want to acknowledge my outright plagiarism. The actual study here was done by Beth Moore, for “Beloved Disciple, The Life and Ministry of John.” What follows is some of what I’m learning and associated ramblings.

John was close to Jesus, arguably, closer than anyone else on earth. He, along with Peter and James, were invited into the most intimate experiences with Jesus. They alone were there when Jesus was transfigured on the mountain (Mark 9), and when Jesus enter the bedroom of a dead girl and raised her back to life (Mark 5), the three were there. John leaned against Jesus at the Last Supper and as Jesus sweat drops of blood in prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, the three were his sleepy witnesses (Matthew 26).

In John 18, in the story of Peter’s denial, “another disciple” is mentioned who goes into the high priest’s courtyard with Jesus. I am going to assume this is John. John is there. Not hearing the story of what happened to Jesus, but watching him, listening, seeing, feeling.

Throughout the entire story, arrest to crucifixion, John is there. Every accusation, humiliation, and pain inflicted. In John 19:26, Jesus turns to his mother and to John and asks them to care for each other.

John watches his savior die, not understanding what is to come, but faithful to him, nonetheless. And after the Sabbath, when they hear that the body has gone missing, Peter and John sprint to the tomb and find this to be true (John 20). Verses 8-9 say “Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)”

It was only hours later that evening that they saw him in person for the first time. But, what complex emotions they must have felt in those hours! And that grief-filled Sabbath in between with no explanation! Just sadness. And trust.

Acts 1:3 speaks of a period of 40 days where Jesus appeared to his apostles, and we really don’t know how often or many of the details of that timeframe. There weren’t many flannelgraphs that I remember between resurrection and ascension. There had to have been incredible joy in that time, but also stretches of waiting and uncertainty.

There are elements of my faith I feel connection with right now in this current season that are not necessarily new but being renewed. I am grateful that as I sit in a time of uncertainty and sadness, that God is in control. Even in tragedy, the Lord has plans that are deeper than I can understand right now.

We see miracles and know hope. Jesus can close the door, take a young girl’s cold, dead hand in his and restore life. He still does those things today. I believe that. He can absolutely spare nations from COVID19. I am praying for that! I know many people are. Yet, my reliance on his goodness and his mercy does not depend on the answer to that prayer.

Jesus may ask us to follow Him to dark and deathly places. Or ask us to sit and wait while darkness and uncertainty seem to fill the world around us. I don’t need to be afraid of any of those places, as long as He is with me. I want to stick close, like John. I think if I do that, I will understand later, when I need to.